I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
