Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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