I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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