I wish my penis had an off switch
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Never underestimate the power of titties
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