Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
