1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
