I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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