You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
