I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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