Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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