My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
