No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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