I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
