I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
