my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
