I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
