you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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