Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
