I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
