I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
