shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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