Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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