I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
