I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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