My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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