I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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