Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
