I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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