Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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