Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
