I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
