I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
