When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
