Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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