my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
