So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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