I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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