We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
