my soul wont recognize me after tonight
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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