I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
