yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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