We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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