I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
