Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
