When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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