I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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