Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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