Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I could make wine with my vomit
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
