see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
