Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
