After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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