Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
