She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
